3 Leadership Lessons No One Ever Tells You

I am a leader. Always have been. I did not always see myself this way but I embrace it now. I always thought I wasn’t handsome enough, tall enough, athletic enough or beefcake enough. But life has a funny way of thrusting you into leadership from time to time even when you don’t want it.

I am the quintessential reluctant leader.

These type of leaders need a catalyst, positive or negative, to assume the mantle. We aren’t looking for opportunities. We stand up when the time is right and we know how to stand on our principles when no one is looking. So, we may incubate for years and not lead anybody. But we are strong at leading small groups. Once others find out we have the skills, we feel compelled to either hide them or hide under a rock. Ironically, reluctant leaders also don’t always recognize the window of opportunities in front of them and may not probe their background enough to know why they are truly reluctant. Communicating on the surface is what we are good at while sometimes concealing the whole truth for someone else’s benefit. Timing and truth telling is everything to them.

Reluctant leaders fear being manipulated and also can’t stand extrovert leaders. They are everything we don’t want to be and everything that our culture celebrates. LOL

Inc Magazine has an article on famous introverts. Here are a few names: Rosa Parks, Bill Gates and Michael Jordan.

Everyone wants to give leadership lessons to introverts but very few people want to find out what makes us tick. So, much of the advice I got about leadership was…frankly wrong or did not fit my persona. There was a premium placed on decisiveness, aggressiveness and strength. These aren’t bad things but they aren’t the only thing a leader needs.

Here are three things I wish I had been told about leadership:

1. People need to draw on the strength of their leaders. I ran Cross Country in my senior year in high school and helped my team win the championship. The only adult I knew that saw me compete was Earl Ridley. He was my youth pastor. It wasn’t my family and friends, it was him. I was very encouraged by his presence. But here is the catch: I never saw him there. Because of his example, I have been to countless events on behalf of some young person and my own children. Sometimes it is important that they see you. But if a mentor is doing their job, a mentee can draw strength from the relationship without seeing the mentor. Semiotics (the study of signs) does something similar. The signs one sees, like a stop sign, gets lodged in long term memory when one responds to it consistently. This is how one develops an understanding and a relationship with the sign. So, even if one does not see a stop sign, it can seen in their mind. In a crisis situation, such as crossing a dangerous street, the stop sign may move to the front of one’s mind as a caution or reminder. A mentor that is consistent is someone’s life has the same effect. Five years ago, I felt honored when a young man I had been mentoring for years invited me to his high school graduation. I had moved away  and I knew this was an important time for him considering his mother passed away a few years earlier. Although he was sad that his mother was not there, he recounted the encouraging words she has always said to him. These kinds of memories can carry people in uncertain times. Jesus understood this concept with his disciples. According to Matthew 28, Jesus resurrected and commissioned his disciples and said this: “And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” That is an extremely powerful statement. Drawing strength from leaders means that they are not solely in leadership to serve our interests. They are there to help us grow even when they are not with us.
2. Leaders need to develop a stable identity. A leader who does not know who he/she is will confuse other people. This is not an exact science but it can be clearly seen when one observes a leader and their constituents. This is one of the reasons that being refined and tested often comes before leadership. But experiencing adversity does not necessarily qualify one to be a leader. If this were the case, everyone would be a leader. This is a mistaken notion. What qualifies one to be a leader is how the adversity defines us. Sometimes, difficult experiences can take us down a dark path. I credit one of my graduate professors for helping me to see this in my own life. Sometimes leaders make it back from a dark journey refined, clear and purified. But there are also times when a leader comes back with unhealthy habits that have become a cornerstone of their identity. I had experienced aggressive racism in middle school and became distrustful of white men. As a adult, when white males truly wanted to assist or bless me, I threw it in their face. This unhealthy habit of hate and misdirected anger began to consume me and transfer into other areas of my life. As MLK said, hate is too great a burden to bear. So, with the patience of my mentors, I journeyed back to a healthy place. But not all identities are created equal. Some identities are cultic relying on propaganda and fear to keep people afraid and some are steeped in brokenness that encourages irrational anger which means healing does not occur. Stability means a leader is not captive to extreme mood swings, desires and the spirit of the age. A leader can be angry and disciplined. Interestingly, President Obama modeled this approach even though he was chastised by the media for it during his first presidential term.
3. Leaders need to value something beyond their position. In our modern times, we seem to have a love/hate relationship with our elected leaders. We want them to do exactly what we want them to because it will make us feel better. We force them to become the position they occupy. However, leaders like this have a huge deficit. To make a position all that one is means we are not whole people. We pride themselves on our long work hours mimicking many television dramas. There are businesses that design the office space complete with home delights and furnishings (free food, recreation, etc.) so that one does not want to go home. We are more than our title. This lack of balance impacts the other parts of the leader’s life such as relationships, important transitions and contemplation. Leaders need something deeper motivating them beyond the position. Why? Because there will be hard times and one needs something other than a golf course perk to be motivated to continue. This approach can also contribute to loneliness and depression. Any leadership position that does not enhance my home life is taken off of the table. For example, in my late 20s, I was offered a job that expected overtime in order to be considered for promotion. I left out of the back door. At the time, I was married with one child. (Now, I have four children and I am still married! Ha!). Motivation is an important attribute but what motivates us is even more important.

Okay, maybe you already knew these things. But  how many leaders do you know that embody this?